Unworthy of Love

So today is valentines day, even more depressing than Christmas and new year combined, people ask what am I doing tonight and i have to bite my tongue and say nothing, truth is i will probably go to sleep and wait for this day to be over.

Being single on valentine’s day means no gifts which makes me even more depressed. The gifts represent a show of affection and i have never had affection.

Previous years I didn’t let v day affect me, i was confident in myself and the fact that I didn’t need a man, however this year it’s hitting me hard. I am forced to come face to face with the fact that i have no one to love me.

And i hate hearing that crap about how “you will meet the right man, be patient” thats all shit, i have been waiting since high school and nothing, never even a proper relationship, everyone is supposed to be have a time where they are in love, and loved in return, but I seem to be the exception, as always.

I am not worthy enough to receive this human right, love is something i think maybe i was not supposed to receive.

I used to fool myself into believing that i never found love because i was sent on this earth for other things and love would hinder my true purpose on earth. But i am not special, i have no special purpose, im just to terrible to be loved

Money or Happiness - Which one would you choose

Webbhotell

i am in a fix, i dont know if i should study accounts which i hate but that would probably get me a better high paying job, or study poetry which is what i love but will probably just be hobby

I hate accounting and love poetry with a passion, but my other passion is money, yes i like money and the only people who say money doesnt matter are rich people. I dont need to apologise for wanting the finer things in life but the cost is my hapiness, so which is more important money or happiness

New Job - New Adventure

Webbhotell

Couldnt get into my blog because of google and their crap ass system. Well i got the job that i wanted, finally leaving this hell hole in about one months time. And with that i really dont give a damn about this place anymore, afterall my boss said to me, no way am i going to do the decent thing and work for this last month.

What do i care if filing aint done or tax not paid, not my problem because i am going to be outa here soon, what can they do to me really, cant fire me. Today with that sentiment in mind i left work to renew my drivers and didnt tell him. He moaned but thats all he can do, the whole "telling me was the decent thing to do" speech didnt really get to me esp when i think how he made me feel and look like a complete stupid uneducated idiot.

He insulted me so God forbid that i use this month to show him exactly how stupid i am by mistakenly forgetting to do things of high importance. Afterall the boss man says i have no pride so instead of fighting a losing battle of words i will show him just how little pride i have when it comes to his company. Old fashioned, ignorant, racist asshole. It just so happens that the only people who actually get paid a decent salary happen to be white, and im not using the whole race thing, but he doesnt like coloured people and he shouts more at them than he would a white or indian person.   actually no white person gets shouted at because they are all in management positions while the actual people who work hard are left behind

Does Medication Work

Webbhotell




I was reading a blog about meds (anti depressants, im referring to) and i just have to give my opinion on the topic. Most people think Meds are bad for you, they fuck your liver up etc etc, but I think that its god greatest gift to us humans.

Why suffer when there is something out there that could make your life easier. It doesn’t mean you strong if you dont take meds it just makes you stupid. Alot of taxpayers money is going towards researching and developing the field of medical science including mental illness, why not benefit from it.

My personal road with antidepressants, antipsychotics (im not really that psycho, i tried get my doctor to diagnose me as one so i could get an easier time at work but he refused, so im sane)and all the rest anti’s have been filled with potholes, called side effects. Each tablet i take has a side effect so i either got to take a tab to help with that side effect or get the dosage exactly right so the effect is liveable. This only happens with trial and error. Some would say “well if it has such bad side effects just stop the tab” but long ago i made a choice, if a tab helps with my depression or mood i will take it irrespective of side effects because the most important thing to me is to be happy.

Wellbutrin – causes me to have seizures but drastically changes my mood so i take a low dosage

Lamictal – used to prevent seizures kinda like anti-seizure drug, also mood stabiliser - side effect insomnia

Illovex – used for my irritable bowel syndrome

Seroquel – anti psychotic for my depression but causes my restless leg syndrome to act up so i can only take a low dose of 200mg

Ivedal – sleeping tablet, help with the insomnia caused by the lamictal

Topomax – reduces my obsessive thoughts but makes me very weak and sick, so i take a very low dosage weekends when at home, just in case anything happens. Also helps with my weightloss (yeah im fat)

Calciferol – for my vitamin D definciency, vit D can cause depression if you dont have enough, i dont have enough, the main source of vit D is the sun (thats why you get winter blues, no sun ) and im not a sun person

So this is a list of what i have to take to survive each day. Now its become a routine and funny thing i always remember to take my meds, always.



Am i addicted, of course, not to the meds itself but the idea of what the meds do for me, like addicted to the idea that without these meds i cant survive, they the only thing that make me feel good so i gotta take it. My doc also told me its really hard to get addicted to the meds i take and he constantly changes it so i know i can stop slowly.



Will i ever stop meds – i did and felt terrible depressed, i dont think i ever will, but never say never. Its a personal choice but for me the diet and eat healthly exercise crap didn’t work, i am sure it works on many people but just not on me, well its not enough to help, i need more, i need meds.

Job Hunting

Webbhotell

I am just highly annoyed, i wanted a PA position but the company is dragging their heels on it, its either they want someone or not, how difficult is that really, so i emailed them and told them i was offered another position but am unsure if i should take it. Well i cant tell them i am pissed off but i can show them they can take their “urgent” position and stick it up their asses, most companies fail in the first 5 years anyway so i should consider myself lucky. Wasted an entire Friday afternoon at that interview, starving i might ad. Fuck them



I got a possible job interview as a creditors clerk and it seems like i am never going to escape that, creditors is not exactly my fav thing , actually its down there with filing but i need to get out of here, but do i want to go into something else i hate just as much, i haven’t been called for the interview as yet so i will just go and see, chances are i may not even be chosen.

Dark Anime Goth Pics

Webbhotell

Brilliance of Sylvia Plath

Webbhotell So i have decided to focus on free-verse, because that doesn’t have rules and i am anti-rules. And during my online shopping for books i saw collections of poetry on Sylvia Plath, she is one of my favourite poets and started reading more into her life, she dies when she was 30, she was so brilliant, basically cheated of a life, I mourn her death (which is strange cause i normally don’t care if a person is dead, even if you family, i suppress the grief) Her poetry was brilliant and had so much more to contribute to the literary world. Her poems are hauntingly sad to me.


One thing that did catch my attention is her ex husband Ted Hughes,  I feel that he made money of a woman that he abandoned and didn’t love completely, who is he to arrange her poems into collections and profit off her hard work. It’s just wrong. I dont like what he did, i am not sure if he ever really loved her for all her faults and truly appreciated her talent when she was alive. It is said that she killed herself because of his adultery, he is the cause of her being found with her head in an oven, yet he makes books out of her work.

Like everything she did, she “died exceptionally well”



Below my favourite poem

“Mad Girl's Love Song




I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)



The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.



I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)



God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.



I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)



I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

― Sylvia Plath

Self Publishing and Reading fees - Should we pay to get our work seen

Webbhotell I know that everyone says self publishing is a bad idea, but lets be honest, there are millions of writers and publishing companies accept like 5 % of what they receive, to make matters worse no one wants to publish poetry, But some self publishing companies are really dodgy, Dorrance Publishing charges a fortune, but atleast they dont lie that they traditional publishers, some of these publishers advertise that they are free but then want you to pay an upfront deposit to ensure you dont run away when the book is printed, like hello, you are signing a contract and i dont think any poet/author would run away as soon as getting their work published. And the publishers who want you to get your book edited by a professional company, you are lucky because they offer that service which happens to cost a fortune.


But as I always say desperate people do stupid things, i know i have alot. Self Publishing i think is an excellent idea, provided you use the right company. Then there is always the internet, and dont get me wrong, i want people to read my work but for me its just not the same as seeing my name in print. But the internet is a very powerful influential place that can get your stuff out there that is why I think I am going to try and submit my work to more websites. Even if its on for just a day a thousand people could actually read it and even if just one person likes it that would be awesome.

Now with the world economy being the way it is some magazines are no longer in print and just have a web version. One thing i dont do and i think no artistic person should ever do is pay to get your work read, the reading fee is crap, and i dont want to pay someone to read my work, that would defeat the whole purpose of publishing, its like Britney spears paying people to come to her concert, okay maybe bad example ( i wouldn’t put anything past her) but you get my point.

I am a struggling poet, i need money, not pay people to pay me for reading my work.

Poems about love

Here are some of my lastest poetry about love, all again written with one man in mind. Enjoy!!!!




Return of A Stranger
with my world in his hands
the sound of his footsteps fade
tender bruises
imprinted on my heart

eventually
all bruises heal
a new world opens its doors

scars have lightened
he returns
with a bag
packed with lies, heartache and pain
bittersweet pleading
through the cold steel bars
he built around my heart

Now a trespasser
his invitation to my heart is revoked
he will never enter again

Without a Second Thought
he has a bad reputation
shattering hearts
without a second thought

centre of attention
a woman’s addiction
my drug of choice
without a second thought

with a James Dean attitude
hypnotizing eyes
and a heart wrenching smile
he doesn’t give me a second thought

Pathway to my Heart
i walk the burning path
paved with thorns of rejection
rotten fruits of abuse
and lies as deadly as the
cherries in the dolls eyes that flourish

the end sealed with miserable love
key entrusted to one
nonchalantly he crosses
each day
roses bloom
rough sand turns to soft grass
sweet apple trees
scattered for miles
and as his silhouette fades
everything goes back to the way it was
nothing

Check out my new poetry collection http://www.modernevil.com/unspecified

If you reading this blog...........

Webbhotell If you read my blog please comment, or something, like or hate or tell me I suck

How far would you go to get a job?

Webbhotell





My mood has improved but i am still at work bored, and going insane, applying for every job i can find, i am now getting frustrated with the people who supposed to call me for a second interview, i mean have they found someone else, whats the story, but i cant email and ask because i already emailed them last week and i dont want to seem desperate even though i am, we didn’t even discuss salary so all this could be for nothing if the salary is too low.



Desperation makes you do stupid things, and i really want to get a job before year end, i was told that we having an audit end of November, i hate audits and the reason is not because i crooked the books but i hate having to pull out documents, and look for stuff and its just hard work and i dont want to do it, the thought alone makes me tired. I have to get another job before that audit happens because i dont want to be stuck having to move dusty and heavy old files, oh and then after the auditor is finished guess who has to put it all back.



I am just going to do it, i am going to email those people, nothing to lose right. Worst case they turn me down, best case i remind them to get off their asses and employ me already

Dale Carnegie - Quotes

Webbhotell If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive.


Dale Carnegie



Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.

Dale Carnegie



Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.

Dale Carnegie



It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

Dale Carnegie



Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but content themselves with a mediocrity of success.

Dale Carnegie



Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Dale Carnegie



Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed.

Dale Carnegie



One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.

Dale Carnegie



Only the prepared speaker deserves to be confident.

Dale Carnegie



Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment.

Dale Carnegie



People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.

Dale Carnegie



Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think.

Dale Carnegie



Speakers who talk about what life has taught them never fail to keep the attention of their listeners.

Dale Carnegie



Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.

Dale Carnegie



Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.

Dale Carnegie



Tell the audience what you're going to say, say it; then tell them what you've said.

Dale Carnegie



The essence of all art is to have pleasure in giving pleasure.

Dale Carnegie



The expression a woman wears on her face is far more important than the clothes she wears on her back.

Dale Carnegie



The ideas I stand for are not mine. I borrowed them from Socrates. I swiped them from Chesterfield. I stole them from Jesus. And I put them in a book. If you don't like their rules, whose would you use?

Dale Carnegie



The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Dale Carnegie

Show me the money

Webbhotell So i got accepted for this poetry collection, well one poem with bunch of other peoples, forwardpoetry.co.uk, are they even for real? they want me to buy a copy of the magazine assuming i would pay 30 pounds which is like 500 south African rands for this thing, yeah its awesome seeing my name in print but I cant afford to be buying every magazine im in, I am currently on the stellar showcase poetry journal which is an online thing so i dont have to pay, on website long story short in January 2012, and Decanto Magazine, which i have to pay for and really cant afford, the PDF version is cheap but i doubt any poet would be satisfied seeing their stuff printed on a computer screen so to speak.


I want to get my new stuff out there but i just dont have the energy to do it, maybe cause its end of the year and all my energy is zapped away. Finding a job is hard enough, and disappointing, the wait is the worse thing, just want to strangle these people.

Shame poetry not exactly a millionaire making type business, most people find it boring, if you dont understand something i guess it would be boring, i know i felt it boring when i was in high school, i remember i had to study an entire poem about how the poet hates high fences because it separates you from your neighbours, its some famous person but how can you get inspired to write an entire poem about fences, if it were safe then people wouldn’t need fences, i know mine are purely created for safety reasons, i dont mind seeing my neighbours, they all stuck up anyway so the most i would have to say is Good Morning. If only everyone could be that easy

The Greatest comeback of the century - my depression

Webbhotell My greatest fear has come true; yes my depression has made a comeback, just when you think its down and out heading towards the door it returns guns blazing. The desperation and obsessive thoughts are neon lights shining bright to reiterate that my depression has returned. I think it would last till January.


Christmas is the most depressing time of the year, all those Christmas lights and annoyingly cheerful music, added to which you get father Christmas, who i believe was created by God to remind me that i am going to be alone for the rest of my life and the only man that will ever bother to show up each year has a long white beard and a red suit, ho’ing his freaking bell everywhere I go.

No one has the right to be that happy, problems dont just disappear because of a Christmas tree and and presents. The day after you still going to be exactly were you were on the 24th of December albeit a lower bank balance and a credit card with a debt so high that you could probably see it peaking from Mars.

Anyway coming back to now, i have to deal with my ever so dark time again, at work, were i sit alone and have all the time in the world to contemplate how insanely lonely and empty i really am. And of course the massive failure i have become.

I wrote a book of poetry, i should be happy, how many people accomplish that in their daily lives? None. So why am i feeling sorry for myself? Why?

Sometimes it feels i am going to spend my life faxing statements to VA Solns (stands for Very Annoying) btw, and allocating ikhaya auto, whilst filing every document ever faxed, printed in this hell hole.

I need my psychologist. And some toplep with alzam

Social Queen on permanent leave

Webbhotell

I have had a major breakthrough as to why i hate the people in my lift club, i hate that they get to go out and have fun and laugh and enjoy themselves, because i have always said that i never get the opportunity to, but realization hit when i had the opportunity to go out but just didnt want to, i prefered being at home doing my own thing alone.

Its a bit confusing, i want to go out but when i get the chance i dont want to, i know most people wouldnt understand what the fuck is wrong with me but seriously i just didnt feel like going, and smiling and laughing and having a good time, i would rather sit at home and contemplate how terrible my life is and how unfortunate i am. Why do that, i have no idea.

I am so messed up.

Is your man husband material, or you just too scared to be alone

Webbhotell

I had a terrible argument with a man i care alot for, he insulted me, called me names and i felt the sword piercing into my heart as he did so. He made it seem like it was all my fault, like i was the one who didnt appreciate him enough and didnt care enough, he tried to turn the entire argument around and blame me completely, i dont know if he actually believe what he saying or if he is just really an asshole, either way i know he is not good for me.

He upsets me and makes me feel worthless. I dont believe a word that he utters, he is a man who is full of excuses, im not sure if i should admire the fact that he can come up with any story or lie instantly or hate him because he thinks i am dumb enough to believe him. A man who is full of excuses is an asshole as per "he is not just that into you"the book published by the writers of sex and the city. I was reading this book again, and it made me feel good about myself, that i dont need to be insulted or take it, i am worth more that a liar and a cheat who is verbally abusive. I can find a good man who worships that ground i walk on. It empowered me with the knowledge that i am a beautiful woman who shouldnt settle for anything than the best. Now if i say that enough times maybe i will completly believe it.

I was very angry and now i am just sad that another person can care so little about anothers feelings that they see nothing wrong in taking a knife and tearing through the others self esteem. all personal secrets that were shared in confidence now become fair game to be preyed on.

Is a man not supposed to chase you, is he not supposed to call you all the time, to appreciate you and care for you not expecting something in return, is he not supposed to woo you and try everything they can do to protect you. Whatever happened to men being men, when did men turn into little princess's who want the woman to slay the dragon and protect them, i know its modern times but somethings dont change, a man is supposed to be a man, not sleeping beauty. But he wanted, wanted, wanted, he wanted me to chase him so that his ego can stay firmly in place, he got drunk, went clubbing but denied ever dancing or talking to other girls, do i have the word idiot stamped on my forehead, but of cos its my fault for not trusting him, i know now why his ex girlfriend dumped him, why her parents didnt approve of him, he is a player and is not husband material, he lies and would cheat on a woman in a second whilst providing a very good excuse the next day explaining why he didnt come home last night.

Am i lucky to be rid of him Yes, Do i want to be rid of him, No, and its for the simple reason that i dont want to be alone, but when i speak to him i am so unhappy so does it matter, with or without him i am still unhappy.but without atleast i am free to open my heart to a good man who may cross my path and can love me the way i deserve to be loved.

Poetry collection about Depression, Love, Anger and Hate

Webbhotell I started my poetry collection during a very difficult time in my life. The guy I loved dearly had lied to me, I was experiencing extremely terrible side effects from all the medication I was taking including seizures and restless leg syndrome, my very conservative family had their own opinions on my condition which they voiced regularly, and death seemed the only escape. Poetry became a constructive way for me to express my emotions honestly and to cope with all these feelings of emptiness and loneliness I had built up inside me over all these years.




As an Indian in South Africa, I come from a very religious, traditional family. And my relationship with my family is an important aspect of my life. With depression my outlook on life, my patterns of thinking all began to change and this was not acceptable. So the struggles to be true to myself and satisfy them have been long and seemingly never ending.



I hope after reading my poetry you will feel a sense of comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your sadness or, alternatively, think I am just a selfish, crazy mental patient who needs intense psychiatric help. Either way, read it and enjoy.

Motivational Quotes

Webbhotell You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.


-Eleanor Roosevelt



Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Anais Nin



When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.

Edgar Watson Howe



Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.

Palmer Sondreal



If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

Edith Wharton



Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.

Robertson Davies



Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Norm Papernick





What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

Colette



The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.

James Openheim



Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

John Barrymore



People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.

H. Jackson Browne



Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.

Margaret Young



There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.

Logan Pearsall Smith, Afterthoughts, 1931



Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

Nathaniel Hawthorne



We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.



Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Henry Ford



Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Les Brown



One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.

Sidney Howard



Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

Doug Larson



If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

J.M. Power



Life's problems wouldn't be called "hurdles" if there wasn't a way to get over them.

Author Unknown



Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Author Unknown



Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.

Adolph Monod



Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. ~



Life is full of obstacle illusions.

Grant Frazier



Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. And lo, no one was there.



To me faith means not worrying. John Dewey



He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.

B.C. Forbes



Faith enables persons to be persons because it lets God be God.

Carter Lindberg



Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel.



Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.

Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420



Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns!

Allison Gappa Bottke



God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.



Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way.

M*A*S*H, Colonel Potter



Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

M. Kathleen Casey



If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill



We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.

Author Unknown



I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

Mother Teresa



Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

Garrison Keillor



If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

Mary Engelbreit



Convert difficulties into opportunities, for difficulties are divine surgeries to make you better.

Author Unknown



Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov



Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon



There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?

Kin Hubbard



The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Jean Giraudoux



You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.

Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.

William James

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.

Helen Keller

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

Albert Schweitzer

Action may not always bring happiness;

but there is no happiness without action.

Benjamin Disraeli

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.

Ralph Blum



You cannot change what others think but can only change your reaction to it



“when I was young nothing could hold me back, no sir I thought I could change the world, it took me a hundred years to figure out I cant change the world I can only change Bessie and honey that aint easy either

Bessie Dealaney



Everything that happens, happens as it should and if you observe carefully you will find this to be so.

Mark Aurelius



The tragedy of life is not in the fact of death but in what dies inside of you while you live,

Norman Cousins



My life is full of misfortunes most of which has never happened.

Mark Twain



Advise is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t

Eleanor Roosevelt



A man said to the universe sir I exist, however replied the universe that fact has not created in me a sense of obligation

Stephen Crane



I believe that when all dreams are dead you are left only with yourself, you better like yourself a lot.



Betrand Russell suffered the tortures of the damned each time he was called upon for a speech until one day he said to himself what difference does it make in the grand scheme of things if Bertrand Russell makes a good or poor speech? It would be of no world shaking importance, history would go unchanged.

Betrand Russel



No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Eleanor Roosvelt





Ones philosophy is not best expressed in words, it is expressed in the choices one makes and in the long run we shape our lives and we shape ourselves the process never ends until we die, and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility

Eleanor Roosvelt

Single and ready to mingle – Real men need apply

Webbhotell am having a very boring day, filing yet again at work, this morning i was fine, i received an email from the company i wanted so badly to work for telling me i got a second interview. But as expected the excitement wore off by 12pm and now i am on a low mood.


Specifically about my love life, I hate to say this but independence dont keep me warm at night, I want to be loved, be admired and appreciated. But it seems like i will be single forever.

No man has ever been able to stick around, no man has ever loved or cared for me enough to see past my mood swings and mental challenges and see the true me. All they do is run away, weak fucktards all of them.

I guess i want to be saved. I want someone to be there for me when i am sad, and understand me, look past my faults and love me enough to stay.

I dont think he exists, if you exist please call me, all i ask is that he has a car and a tattoo. Is that too much.

Do i sound desperate, maybe i am, desperate to be loved, ,the books that say you have to be happy with yourself before you can get a man or love yourself before you ask anyone else to love you are wrong. I am never going to be happy with myself, let alone love myself, i am depressed for 85% of my life so that aint happening, why cant i find a man that loves me for both of us.

I always wanted a guy to be obsessed with me, that is dangerous but i associate obsession with love, that fact that a man is willing to go to such length to have you, must surely love you right. I guess when you want to be loved even a crazy ass stalker suddenly becomes prince charming

Low Mood Creeping Back

Webbhotell

I can feel it coming back, its slowly moving in like a cloud gathering before a storm, i know its coming, i can feel it but like a storm there is nothing i can do to stop it but hope i come out of it unharmed. I could see my doctor but it wouldn’t stop my depression, I was told make the best out of the good moods but how can you when you always waiting for the sadness to return. Just when you get comfortable in being as close to normal mood you could get, and think its been so long maybe i am cured maybe the meds are working, but then it strikes, when your guard is down, depression creeps back. I talk about it like a person because it seems so real. People just don’t understand, its so easy to say “well if you know its coming why not do something about it” there is nothing i have tried, even if you give me a new car or if i win the lottery, the joy of it would last a few hours before i get depressed again.




During a depressed phase i become so desperate, obsessive, impatient, and every day feels like an eternity of suffering. I hate to admit it but the depression turns me into a person i do not like nor want to be around. I become secluded from the world, go quiet (quieter than usual) because all that matters is my pain, its all about me. The emptiness cannot be filled with food or material things; i have to just wait till it passes on its own.



And with the darkness come all those physical problems, sometimes ankle, knees, head all pain at once, I don’t think there is really anything wrong with me, its my mind making myself sick so that i feel as physically ill as i do mentally, maybe its a way of manifesting my internal pain. Or it could be my mind saying that it cant handle all the pain alone and need my other organs to carry some of the pain



I can think up all crazy, self destructing ways to let the world know that i am depressed. That they have to stop their lives and suffer along with me till i say its okay to be happy. I snap at people, get angry, insult people, all to make them hurt. During a low mood everyone is an enemy, everyone has let me down in some way, no one can live up to my high expectations.



The only good thing is that i can write about 3-4 poems in a week, depression inspires me. That is sad, i have tried to write during a high mood and nothing, blank mind, anger and sadness fuel my creativeness, my muse is depression.

Depression is Back

Webbhotell
I can feel it coming back, its slowly moving in like a cloud gathering before a storm, i know its coming, i can feel it but like a storm there is nothing i can do to stop it but hope i come out of it unharmed. I could see my doctor but it wouldn’t stop my depression, I was told make the best out of the good moods but how can you when you always waiting for the sadness to return. Just when you get comfortable in being as close to normal mood you could get, and think its been so long maybe i am cured maybe the meds are working, but then it strikes, when your guard is down, depression creeps back. I talk about it like a person because it seems so real. People just don’t understand, its so easy to say “well if you know its coming why not do something about it” there is nothing i have tried, even if you give me a new car or if i win the lottery, the joy of it would last a few hours before i get depressed again.


During a depressed phase i become so desperate, obsessive, impatient, and every day feels like an eternity of suffering. I hate to admit it but the depression turns me into a person i do not like nor want to be around. I become secluded from the world, go quiet (quieter than usual) because all that matters is my pain, its all about me. The emptiness cannot be filled with food or material things; i have to just wait till it passes on its own.

And with the darkness come all those physical problems, sometimes ankle, knees, head all pain at once, I don’t think there is really anything wrong with me, its my mind making myself sick so that i feel as physically ill as i do mentally, maybe its a way of manifesting my internal pain. Or it could be my mind saying that it cant handle all the pain alone and need my other organs to carry some of the pain

The only good thing is that i can write about 3-4 poems in a week, depression inspires me.

I can think up all crazy, self destructing ways to let the world know that i am depressed. That they have to stop their lives and suffer along with me till i say its okay to be happy. I snap at people, get angry, insult people, all to make them hurt. During a low mood everyone is an enemy, everyone has let me down in some way, no one can live up to my high expectations.

It just goes to showing knowing what the problem is, is the easy part, fixing it is the hard part. I dont think i can be fixed

Webbhotell

So annoying, i applied for a job and its been over a week they still deciding, i mean whats there to decide just hire me already. I am really suffering at work and i need to get out before the year end

I was threatened by a psychic, who i thought was my friend but turned out to be just after money. I have bad taste in friends it seems. He claims to have a connection with me freaking ass, i told him to fuck off but he does know alot about me so i made a mistake yet again in trusting the wrong person

My doctor gave me a new tablet but i scared to take it and havnt done it, i have no idea why i am scared since i have been trying new meds for past 4 years now, i think i am scared of it not doing what its supposed to and i get severely depressed again

Ode to the people i travel to work with

Webbhotell

I am still traveling in that lift club with those people who drive me insane, their looking down on me and false perceptions want to make me scream.

I hate when i spoilt 23 year old decides to try his luck at sarcasim ending up just looking like a egotistical fuck witt, if you parents paid for university fees, and bought you a blackberry, you have had it easy so dont pretend as if you work so hard, and have had such a tough life.

As for the other 26 year old i assume, has an annoying habit of explaining her weekend in detail as if it were something to be proud of if you have only guy friends and know the name of every club and alcoholic drink in town, (which the 23 year old loves since he wears his alcholic adventures like it were a badge of honour ) She giggles alot as if she were in some hannah montana episode, and simply just annoys me.

I think mark twain said this "it is better to keep quiet and let people think you an idiot than opening your mouth and removing all doubt. Well this 30 something makes her phone her life support machine, married life doesnt seem to have slowed her down on any social networking site, when asked who she is talking to her reply is family, ja right, no one and i mean no one has a family that interesting that you chat to the whole day. when bbm went down i had to listen to half an hour of how terrible it is. She gives new meaning to the word air head, because i think thats all she has in her head, an empty space of air, that floats around specifically designed to piss me off.

And so thats all of them, why do i hate them, they have these misconceptions about me,  i usually just dont give a fuck what people think, but its annoying because i know they are gossiping about me like the immature school girls that they all are. Im different and if they are such naieve turds that associate different with stupidity then i guess they are the stupids.

And on the topic of God, i have no problem with Christianity, but dont go clubbing, drink then show up at church in your sunday best. really dont talk about how many prayer meetings you went for because you dont need a building to pray. The church is meant to be a place og God not a political campaign, these people talk more about the pastors than they do God.

 And you know what im just plain tired so i am going to try my best and find another lift club were silence is golden and people shut the fuck up.

A New Blog

Webbhotell

I have a new blog for poetry http://www.yoshiram.wordpress.com/ Im supposed to only write about poetry, which is difficult since life doesnt involve poetry 24/7

My New book

Webbhotell

Check out my book http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1934516228/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=teemcc-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=1934516228

All about depression and heartache, really heartfelt and if you depressed you gonna love it